Corn Syrup

THOUGHTZ

There have been so many incredible things happening in my life lately. My show opens in two weeks, my family is functioning, my boyfriend is wonderful, I’m studying theater this summer in New York, I’m receiving grants, I’m going to California, and I have job openings in theater. I feel like I’m on this huge upswing after the slump I was in during the fall.

This is most likely due to the fact that Ethan is no longer a part of my life.

I loved Ethan with my entire heart mind and soul. I clung to him. I saw myself with him forever. He was my high school sweetheart. Even though we weren’t together in college, I knew he still loved me and I him. We always said that after college we would move to New York and start living. But now I realize that he was not right for me. 

He was selfish. He was controlling. He put thoughts in my head and words in my mouth. He insisted that he was smarter than me, and made fun of me when I couldn’t keep up with his humor or vague political and social references. He disliked my family and I began to resent them. While I was convinced that my father was driving a wedge between me and Ethan, Ethan was actually driving a wedge between me and my father. Ethan wanted to mold me into the girlfriend he wanted, and got upset when I would do things that broke from that mold. However, if he were to do the same things he would excuse himself. He loved me only when it was convenient for him, in turn making me crave him when he wasn’t interested in me. I cannot believe the difference between him and Brendon.

I feel so happy, and yet unsatisfied. I grow more and more motivated to continue improving my acting skills and education. I crave culture and diversity and I try to be observant of everything around me in order to draw from it in my work. I love people watching, and I love listening to people talk. I love talking to strange people in strange places. As I type this, sitting in the University Center, there’s a man sitting across the room from me telling his friends of the time he lived in Korea. He talks of the health care, the parks, the people, the cheap alcohol. He says there is nothing in America that he likes more than Korea, and I wonder about the condition of American society.

I am a self- loathing white middle- class American female citizen. I was brought up in very safe suburbs and taught to never go out past dark. I used to get in terrible fights with my mother over this. She wouldn’t allow me to go on walks at 7:00 pm if the sun had set, unless I took one of my younger brothers along, and it infuriated me. It still does. I was raised with little worries, and yet I always found myself seeking personal problems- anxiety, depression, stress- related mental illness. These things were caused by my brain’s chemicals, but all it took was a little talking to rid them? I am selfish. I care not about those in worser situations than me because I am too focused on myself. 

I’m trying to fix this.

I miss my best friend so much. She’s so far away from me, and in a worse situation than I have ever been. I feel so lost when she talks to me because I can’t even imagine what she’s going through—bodily pain, mental pain, emotional pain, family pain. I want to help her so badly, to tell her that these things will resolve themselves in time and that they are not as desperate as she thinks, but I cannot speak for her. How can I soothe her? How can I relate to all these things in her life that are wearing her down when things in my life are looking up? I love her so dearly that my heart hurts when I think of how long it’s been since I’ve seen her— I feel tears coming while I’m writing this. I wish that I could just make all her pain go away. I wish that I could make the boy she loves treat her the way she deserves to be treated, and I wish that I could bring her back home to me. I hate so much that she was ripped away from me so quickly, and I wish that I could be there for her more often. I’ve never had a friend like her. I want to support her in every step of her life and I want to be there when, like me, the slump takes an upward trajectory.

I feel as if my head has so many ideas bouncing around in it that I can’t possibly think of them all. I feel like I walk around in a cloud of things I need to be doing, people I need to reconnect with, responsibilities I’m shirking, events that I can’t forget but haven’t written down, emails I need to send, scripts I need to read, work that needs to be done. I’m stressed, but not stressed, happy but not happy, satisfied but unsatisfied.

chanclahakyeon:

what if yixing had a show where he got stoned and tried to make sense of the world

oh wait that was exo showtime

(via cumbustible)

sugarelephants:

Do you ever just stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and think

You know what? My body is pretty cute

I have been in good moods lately and very body positive and very confident in myself

I never thought this would be possible

eswilew:

"mickey i am fed up wit your bullshit devil magic"

(Source: glitteringgoldie, via ruinedchildhood)

A Letter to my Ex:

Fuck you.

-E

(Source: damagaladriel, via theaestheticengineer)

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